LiFe Of Ken

2009-05-12T00:50:00.001+08:00

Hey.

I decided not to blog about the weekend. Instead, I'm blogging about myself today. I'm not sure why it happened, but it just did. I just suddenly had enough of everything that was happening, everything that has happened, every single issue and every single event that I've gone through, and I decided I needed a change. I've never stopped blaming myself for things that happen, and I realised maybe everything that has happened, and is happening, is, and has always been, because of what I always say, what I always do, how I always react, what I've always been, how I always think, ended up in the way I did not want it to be, and I guess I had enough after today. It wasn't something major, it wasn't towards one or two people, it was against everything, but it wasn't anyone or any person to begin with, just everything. Everything would be events, not humans nor actions. Just events.

I was born as someone who had expectations. Its not as if everyone isn't without expectations. Its just that because of my childhood, I grew up expecting not much of studies, of myself, to give myself the more easy way out, to expect lesser out of everything in life, except from the people around me. Perhaps it could commonly be viewed that I'm just too carefree, about every single thing in life that passes my way, all except for the things I hold close to me, or the people who I regard highly. I've never spoken to anyone about this, but my childhood wasn't exactly the brightest or nicest one to hear. Everyone had their fair share of problems, but I clearly and forever will remember that when I was in Primary school, I was a prefect then, and I had an expectation of myself. I wanted to be the head Prefect, I wanted to excel in that aspect of leadership. I did every nice thing to show that I was capable, and that I would be able to assist in helping the teachers. I thought I did the right thing. I was wrong. Everyone viewed me in a different way, thought I was a bootlicker, and outcasted me, bullied me in every way, and perhaps changed my life. I guess it was because of that, I realised how things seem to go wrong when I expected something out of myself, and I just stopped. I stopped expecting myself to fight for stuff, to learn to be contented with whatever I have, to be the happy-go-lucky, and never every expect anything out of myself. I grew worse.

The years to come, I became much worse. Its hard to explain in exact detail, but it just wasn't right. I guess my other major turning point had to be during my army years when Dad went to China and left us here to fend for ourselves. I realised I did not want to be the way I was, I realised I wanted to give everything I can and more to heling my family. It wasn't easy giving up the ideas or dreams I had for myself to make this family move and function, but I did it because I had to, and I never really regretted, but during this change, I wouldn't deny that there were times I felt depressed and unhappy with myself. I was also upset that I had conflicts with friends, I realised some misunderstood me, others took me for granted, so basically at home was unhappy, outside with friends was equally bad at times. I'm not sure when or how, but I started surpressing my feelings, trying my best to not show my unhappiness unless I couldn't take it, not to throw my temper, and ony telling those close to me how I truly feel. No matter how depressed I was I would try not to show it, and tell myself to look for happy occasions. I came up with this theory that I could accept any bad thing that comes my way, if it was from people I did not care about I wouldn't even get myself involved, and just brush it away, but those who did matter who affect me to the max, and I would always tell myself to endure every thing that comes along, and look forward to happy occasions like birthdays or Christmas, occasions when I could "drop my guard" and just don't have to endure anything and be happy. But, as usual, this was a BAD idea as well, and I grew to have this habit of expecting more out of people who I regard highly in my life.

Because of the expectations I have for others, things never seem to turn out well, and when I get unhappy with people not living up to my expectations, the people whom I regard highly have different views on me. I was always unhappy because of this expectations which I set, and I realised people developed views on me. I also found out that while I was "easy-going", some took advantage and took me for granted, while others said I was "too nice". I was angry at times, and easy at times, and I never really took a stand in what I really am, be it too nice or easily angered, and never took a stand in what I believe in. I hate the feeling of being misunderstood, and being taken for granted.

Things happen for a reason. I don't blame anyone for having a bad perception of me, because I wasn't even good in the past. But perhaps I decided its time to change myself for the better. Its time I perhaps not comment about everything unhappy all the time, because certain comments only made the people close to me feel worse about me. I decided to change, and at the same time guard myself, and tell myself not to give in to everyone all the time anymore. I would stop having expectations of everyone close to me, but keep it low, and if possible only expect some level from those who appreciated me, while making sure I expect myself to give out more then I expect out of others. And following these expectations, I would also make sure I cater more to those who cared than those who did not.

Call me fragile, call me stupid, I also came out with this idea that I'll change myself so much, that in the future, perhaps only the people truly close would see the "crazy ken", I just decided to change and kick out the bad habits, but I wouldn't expect or show so much of myself up front unless I felt appreciated next time.

I'm pretty sure because I suck at English plus I suck at expressing myself, hence, me sounding so confused during this whole entry. Haha. Sorry, I'll try to change and improve my English as well. Haha.

There, I've said my piece, just wanted to type out whatever I felt about everything in general. I hereby clarify I did not mention names, nor did I say who I'm unhappy about, just as I mentioned at the start, its more of the events that are happening in my life with work, colleagues, friends, family, life in a whole. So I truly hope no one will link to themselves with this sudden entry, I strongly point out once again, it is NOT aimed towards people, but events and my life as a whole that's all. Please don't get the wrong idea at all. Haha and I'm still totally understanding about everything. Just like what Tong says, I'm still and forever giving people the benefit of doubt, so I'm not changing this part of me either.

I need to sleep. I'm feeling damn shag.

2008-10-18T01:43:00.002+08:00

Hey.

Anyway I can't post this on my other blog, cause everyone reads the other blog, so my secrets will be in this blog den. Recently, I keep thinking about me and Pz, and how things have changed for the both of us. On the 14th, I just did not feel like staying at home, so I planned to go out. I had asked Melody first, but in the end she din reply, and somehow I ended up askin Ashley. Frankly before we went out that day, I was hoping she would last min cancel, cause I felt wierd going out with her alone, and was afraid that it might end up that we have no topics at all. In the end however, I just went out with her to go Boat Quay cut hair. After tat, we went to TCC to eat cake, and I told her that actually it was because that by right today was supposd to be me and pz 3rd mth but cause we broke up tats why i hv no plans, but I did nt want to go home so early, which was why i wanted to come out. After that we went to amk to have dinner at Astons. During the dinner we talked a lot, and I got to know more about her. Perhaps it was the first impression, that I always felt that she's cute and all, but she seems like the type who's more ATAS. However, from the conversation, I actually found out she's someone who's actually more of a kind that will save a lot of money, and that she doesnt like to spend on expensive stuff. I was quite surprised to find out that she's tat kind of person too. Haha. It was quite fun to chat with her too, and when we left for home, I found myself wanting to go out more with her to know her.

The next day I knew she was going to shop for a present for her friend, and I wanted to go out with her, but I just felt asking if I could tag along, so I asked if she want to go eat ice cream with me. Haha. It kind of worked, but she thought I was emo-ing, that's why she agreed to go out with me, or rather, me tag along while she shops. Haha. Still, I found it a nice experience when shopping with her, and she's really more of a "save-thrift" den a "spend-thrift", taking such a long time to decide on a nice t-shirt which only cost $12. Frankly, I've never known another person like that, who kept thinkin that $12 for a t-shirt is too ex, and kept saying she hardly wears t-shirts. Haha. Usually the girls I know wuldnt mind the cost if its nice, and if they bought it they would surely wear it, and not think if they would have wear it or not. Haha... There's just something about her that's different, but its just hard to explain. Before that I already knew she was a bit of a different girl, she actually playing basketball in her younger years, likes to watch soccer, blur at times, or rather act blur, cute at times, loud most of the times, and very happy-go-lucky. And somehow it all fits the type of girl I always wanted as a gf, but I never really thought of her as a someone I would actually go after cause she just seems to never be able to connect to me. Haha.

Last night, I was still ok, till I reach the pub. We were drinking merrily, and I was always keeping a lookout, just so that she wouldnt hv to drink too much. Me and TT sang a song too, Jay Zhou's An Jing, but when I sang it i guessed i looked very emo, which was why Jess and Ash tot I was emo-ing over Pz. However, something kind of shocked me. Eric started emo-ing after a while, den Ash went to accompany him. Its wierd to say this, but I din expect myself to have this sour feeling when I saw her talking to him alone in the alleyway and asking me to leave them alone first. But what shocked me further was that Ronald overheard their conversation and said that Ash ask Eric why "he rejected her", and soon after Ash started to emo. When I heard that, i tot she liked Eric, and something in me just felt so disappointed. Then, when she was inside the pub, she was emo-ing, she wanted to slp on the sofa, and as i sat beside her watching her tear away, it hurt. Sounds wierd to say this, but it did hurt a bit in my heart. I wanted to hug her there and then, to tell her to cheer up, say its ok, ask her to stop crying, but I did not have the courage to do so, and all I did was to put my hand on her neck as if I was massaging her. Then when she heard an emo song and went out to cry, i felt totally useless, not being able to take care of her. That was when I knew, some part of me was beginning to love her already. Ronald had a chat with her, while I just went into a slump, and just felt like drinking all of a sudden. And i did the unexpected. I started smoking. I nvr smoked and promised myself I never would, but i did it there and then, because I was just depressed over the fact that she cried. I wished she didnt, but she still did. Later part, I found out from Ronald that she was emo-ing over TT, not Eric, which was quite the expected cause we always tot the 2 of them were too close as frens, but I always knew TT din like her. Anyway, it still hurts when she emo-ed. There was a part of the night which I felt stunned too, when TT was trying to take care of her but she kept asking for me to come and take care of her. TT took my arms and put it ard her, and said "Nah, Kenneth come le. He take care of you ok ? You want him to take care of you right ?" or something like that. I felt stunned. But in the end, I got wasted, and puked a hell lot. I guess Ash also gt angry I was drunk and Andy was chatting up the waitresses with TT, and she stormed home herself. It was only later when Andy told me that I felt bad.

Tdy, after wrk, I wanted to go out with Ash, but at the same point of time, I was still feeling a bit emo frm last night. And Ash kept thinking tat I was emo-ing over Pz. So far only Fabius has the true story tat I'm interested in Ash, while others just keep teasing me but have no concrete evidence. Still, in the end TT went out with us to eat Ice cream too. It was fun, but maybe its just me, that I always feel that she wants to go out with TT more den with me. Anyway, I guess I'll just not get into it yet, cause I dun wan to spoil the frenship for all of us yet, and I guess I'm not her kind of guy either. I guess I'll just overlook her and care for her in a hidden manner bah. When conversation comes to her though, I have this thing to suan her, because I don't want to help her so much and make it so obvious, but sometimes I feel when I wan to care for her I cant do it too obvious too. Haha.. dunno la.

Anyway as of now, I'll just live my life as it is, and move on...

2008-07-21T01:16:00.002+08:00

I'm confused.

Certain things she's saying actually hurts inside. But I don't know how to let her know. All I can do is keep it to myself cause I don't want her to feel dejected for hurting me. When I chose to be with her, I knew this would be a tough road to walk. But I did not know hurt can feel this way.

With Sab, I loved her, and in the end, because I din treasure her enugh, I got hurt. Badly. For PZ, although its only been a week, I loved her more than I loved Sab, probably because I feel like I've known her for ages when I'm with her, when I hold her hand and hold her in my arms, it really and actually feels that I've been with her for a long time, and the feeling is actually stronger than that when I was with Sab. I'm equally puzzled by the fact how anyone can win me over in terms of feelings in just 7 days whereas Sab was with me for 3 yrs and I don't feel as much feelings at that time. And, because the feelings are stronger, the pain and hurt is stronger too. I told Sab the same thing, and PZ too, that I only want them to be happy, and never to be hurt. And yet, I've hurt Sab, too much that it killed her feelings for me. Now, I feel because of me, PZ is feeling hurt too, and I can't help but sometimes wish she could be a bit happier, and I would even wonder if that day I did not hug her, nor even send her home. Maybe if I did not, she would still be with Eugene, and might not feel so troubled by this matter.

I really suck. As a guy, as a lover, as a boyfriend. Because I never seem to bring true happiness to anyone, only hurt. Sometimes, when she says that she feels like just disappearing and start life all over anew at Japan, silently, I'm not only hurt, but I actually wish in my heart that if that she really wants, I will give it to her. If she wants to start her life over again, I should let go, cause she should not be tied down by me.

Every single time, when we take a eyelash and play the wishing game, every single time, I did not wish for myself to end up with her. I only wish that she would truly be happy. That's all I'm asking for. If its me that's bringing her this hurt, then maybe I should be the one disappearing.

When I finally found someone which I love more than Sab, reality comes back to bite me, and wakes me up, showing me that I can never provide happiness to anyone. When my mum told me that I have to share the bills with her, I know, that deep down, these debts would never be fully-cleared, and the one I love will never find absolute happiness with me cause I'm like a guy stuck in a sandpit, only dragging people in with me, never being able to leave this hole forever.

I hate it. I hate my dad for leaving us. For leaving all this shit for my mum to settle thinking that we can settle it. Dad, we can't. No matter how we did. Mum's collapsing. Edwyna is suffering. I'm barely making it. And as the father, you're never here. Because of your ego and pride. Do you know how much I wish that I had died when I was young and the glass from the glass cabinet had poked into me ? Because if I did, maybe you'll learn to treasure mom, maybe you'll learn to treasure Vic, Edwyna and Don. Especially Don. If I wasn't around, maybe the family would be more peaceful. Mom would have one lesser person to care for, or to trouble herself with.

I wish a lot that a lot of things din happen the way it did. But I guessed the no. 1 thing I wished for was for me to not be around, because I have never really brought true happiness to any1 b4.

Life is just so ..... sad....

2008-07-15T02:00:00.002+08:00

I started having feelings for her on the 6th of June, from the day of the chalet, even though I knew she had a bf. Even though I knew there would be no chance.

On 14 July 08, we hugged and kissed under her block. It felt as if it was my first kiss, but there were many uncertainties. She still had a bf, he still was an asshole, and it seemed as if there was no chance till the hug and the kiss. We talked after the kiss, and we kissed even more, and I held her hand, and decided there and then I don't want to let go of this pair of hands.

So here I am, karma to the max, third party in a relationship. And its not even like a third party, because we still dunno each other well enough. So I guess I'm pretty much what you would call a crush on her part, or maybe even just a passing thought. And yet, I'm happy and sad. Happy that I finally come to terms that I love her, and sad that it might all just come to an end soon. I hate to see anyone hurt. When he hurts her I feel pissed and hurt. But the worst hurt is prob the fact that she will nvr leave him. And yet, all I'm actually contented for, is just being with the one I love, to see her face, to talk to her, to be there for her, and just one kiss.. and one hug......

2008-07-14T01:23:00.002+08:00

When you like someone, someone that you know you should never like, what wuld you do ?

If you knew there was no result in it, would u still like her ?

If sumone was hurting her, would you interfere ?

I'm useless.

Because I got this stupid crush, and because I know it will never work, and I can't do anyting for preventing her frm being hurt.

Useless Kenneth.

2008-05-11T18:04:00.002+08:00

So pissed.

Why is it everything seems to be my fault ?

Its my fault my gf broke up with me to be with another guy.
Its my fault that I don't have a future cause I did not study hard enough.
Its my fault that I'm always broke cause I never bother to save.

These I understand.

Why is it my fault, that I don't understand my good friend Tong Chuan ?
I want to tell him this, that everytime he laments about his army life, he has no right to lament and still argue that he did not do wrong, because its really his fault ? I argued with him over his army life just now, and I kept trying to make him understand that it's his fault. I feel that its his fault that some people don't like him and make his boss don't like him because he really has a problem. Army life in the office is just like work life. It doesn't mean that if you don't care about others, and just do your own job, you will be respected and rewarded. No, its not. Because everything in the work force is about relationship with people. You don't want to smile sincerely when others smile, you don't greet your army superiors except for your own boss, you don't make the effort to mingle around with others, of course people think of you in a low light. But did you ever feel its your fault ? I really hate it when he blames god, because everything is created by him. He could have been a sgt, but he chose the darker path. He could have been in another camp as a clerk, but he chose to make sure he goes back to MMI. For what ? Why can't he just live his life simple and just accept what comes his way ? Why must he always do stupid things and then regret later ? Why ?

Its your own fucking fault that you gave others the bad impression. Don't ask me why or how I know, because if even your own boss, who always defended you all this while, feels ure fucked up, its not because others have toked behind your back, its because you haven't done enough to convince your boss that you're not fuked up. Don't complain why you have to travel so much and always late for work, because you chose this path to work in the MMI. And army is not your fuking father's camp. Why in the fuking hell do you think that army should have given what you wanted that time when you did not want to be a sgt and wanted to stay out ? Who the fuck do you tink you are ?

Don't fuking complain that others dont understand abt u, cause its nt others dun understand, its u who dun understand whats happening. Stop all this shit about complaining about sai kang. You should be spending the time making sure nothing goes wrong so as to try to make your boss feel that you're not what he thinks. Maybe this time it wont work. But can u confirm that, after a few tasks has been given to you, and u do all without problems or complaining, are u so sure that other's impression of you won't change ?

Everything that comes to your way is a challenge, and yet instead of rising up to the challenge, you always choose to find or fight for a easier way out. What for ? Whats the fuking point ? Everyone got to go through similar paths. Not all sai kang or life may be the same, but why do you always ask that you have better treatment, and that the things you do are always worse den others ? Everyone feels that their own work is worse. You havent tried digging those big drains and still get punished after that just because you rest. In SISPEC your peers and superiors arent happy. In Nee Soon and Kranji Camp you were not happy. Even in MMI, got people unhappy with you. Don't you feel that there really must be somehting wrong with you? Everything starts small. You must have done something stupid or something that you feel isn't that big, but on the long run actually creates a big wave, eg. the smiling to other people thing. If you are always sian, and tell yourself that because you're sian, you should not even smile properly, this means you have a problem with managing your own emotions. You're sian means you should show it to others ? Why can't you manage emotions better ? Work is never happening, and yet you keep reminding yourself that it is. Doesnt that make things worse ?

HAiz.

I'm not the kind to put the blame on others. Because even now, I feel that I have some responsibility that you're like that. I'm in the wrong because I never understand you. But actually, its not because I don;t understand you. I truly know why you will feel this way, but I must change you so that in the future your life won't be like tat. And yet, you never bother changing, never thinking that you're in the wrong, and always thinking others don't understand you. You keep saying you're that kind that think before you act. Did you really think about every single situation when you chose to chao geng to escape SISPEC and Kranji Camp ? No. You only thought about the advantages, and only thought about why others could enjoy but you couldnt ?
Life in Seletar isnt as slack as you tink, but I always voice out my opinions so that others understand me. You ? You choose to keep quiet and endure, and always show that face of yours when you feel unhappy. Why can't you understand that things don't work the way you want it to be ?

Sick of scolding you already.

Just to let you know. I'm feeling guilty that I don't understand you. But I hope you realise your own mistake before its too late.

2008-02-13T00:30:00.000+08:00

God's always there, trying to remind me to stay on my feet, and make sure its on the ground, and not think about stuff which is unreachable. Everytime I think about something happy or something I want, in the end it either happens to my friends or it just turns the other way unexpectedly. Sometimes, I think its because I don't deserve what I think about yet, which is why God's always there to change things for me, be it good or bad, and remind me that I haven't earn the right to dream or want or even own certain stuff yet.

He's fair, and I know it too.

That's why.. I can never blame him.... but only myself..

Dreams and wishes shatter like the glass...
and fly away like the leaves on the ground..

If only dreams could come true...

2008-01-07T21:35:00.000+08:00

Hey.

Everytime I blog here, you know its because I'm emoing. Haiz... thankfully i doubt anyone will read this blog anymore, so its like a escape path for all my emotions to be thrown in. While watching this Taiwanese drama Huan Huan Ai by Rainie Yang, I kept crying in the last few episodes. Do you know that throughout the show, a lot of things that the guy said, made me remember me n her ? When I saw the female lead hugging the male lead from behind to comfort him, I remember how it felt when she hugged me from behind. When I watch the whole show, I kept thinking how nice it would be if I had a gf like that, someone who would forgive you when u apologised. Someone who would go out of her way, to lie to her siblings, so that she can spend the night at your house, to spend more time with u, because she knows you like it when you wake up and see her face the first thing in the morning. A girlfriend who would rush to you everytime u needed her, and made you the first important thing in her life. A girlfriend who understands you, and gives in to you often.

You know what ? I had someone like that in my life too. Yet.... Sometimes, I force myself to stop thinking about her. I make myself think that other girls are better, and think that Sabrina was not everything, and yet, certain things that I see, or certain stuff that I hear, or even something that is shown in the tv, can make me think about me and her in the past. I hate being like that. I always thought I could be strong, and act like what everyone expects out of me, to be strong and get on with life, because that's what I'm good at, moving on. But, this time, I know, its not easy at all for me to let go of her.

I remember the times when I used to tell her I want to marry her, start a family with her and have kids with her, grow old with her, see our grandchildren come to this earth, and hold her hand and walk the park when we're really old. Its hard accepting the cold truth that nothing of this will happen.

Its super hard for me to see her happy with him. I never told anyone, and I tried my best to smile and laugh it away, but everytime I see her happily with him, my heart breaks. Again and again. Every week I mend it, and yet when I see them on Sunday, it breaks again. I try my best to talk to her like a friend, and accept their relationship, but while my face is smiling, my heart is bleeding.

Its my life. I know it. Its like a curse. From young till old, everytime I think about something, in the end, I will never end up with it, and it will end up with someone and I wil see that someone happy with it, whether its a friend or foe, family or stranger. I thought me being with Sab would be something that I could think of, and will work out in the end. Yet, the curse still manage to catch up with me. I bullied her, made her life miserable, made everything she ever wished for from me disappear. I knew her greatest wish with me was for me to be a Christian, to love God as much as she loves him too. I knew she wanted me to place her as my top priority, just like her. I know she wants me to just care for her more, be there for her more, give her surprises and bring small joys to her life. And yet, even such a simple thing, I cannot accomplish. I dashed all her dreams and hopes of me. I wasted 3 years of her youth....

Do I deserve a another chance ? I wish everytime, hoping that God will give me one more chance. I wish she would fall out with the guy and come back to me. And yet, when I think about it, and I know it will never happen again, I harden my already-torn heart, and make a wish to God, hoping he will look over their relationship, making sure he and her will be happy forever. But does anyone know, that just like in those shows that you watch on tv, when you see the girl you like with another guy, especially when you had the girl, but you hurt her, and you have to bear the consequences of seeing her happier with another guy, knowing that guy is tons better than you, the pain is really hard to bear, and its almost comparable to cutting yourself again and again.....

Everyone ask me to move on. Tong say I should be happy cause she's not the right girl for me. I know they don't have any other advice for me. What else can they say ? Don;t give up ? Fight for your love ? Wait for her ? Thank you my friends. Thank you for thinking that I'm the opptimistic person like you all have always known, but I need to say, that I'm not. Its really not easy to give up all the loving and bad memories of us for the past 3 yrs.

I have a confession to make. Sabrina used to have crushes on 3 guys while she was with me, and everytime I find out I feel hurt. The first time I broke up with her in our 3 yrs of relationship, with was in April 2007, I made myself like this girl who was my gd fren's best fren, called Sharon, because I wanted her to know how I feel everytime I find out she likes another person. I guess its karma, because when I finally realise she was all I really wanted, and the only girl I've ever liked and wanted to marry, I hurt her in the worst ways, and she finally found someone better than me in a thousand ways.

I tried my best to tell her in the 3 yrs of relationship, that I did not like her because she loved me. But she never could understand this. I guess even till the end, although it wasn't a reason for her to break up with me, she always had the thought that I loved her only because she was the only girl who did not reject me. Does she know that, I really really wanted to marry her ? I sucked as a bf, I must suck, which is why I could never make her understand how much I really loved her.

I hope one day she will cry for me. I know she doesn't want me in her life any longer, but I hope one day, if I died, she would be the one that would miss me like my family. She would be the one who would cry a lot for me, at least then I would know I still have a spot in her heart.

I think I cried till my tears have dried, my heart have broken, and my soul is ripped. But life must go on, yes ? So I can only say, that no matter how strong I appear to be on the outside, how flirtacious and mean I am with girls, no matter how sarcastic I am to others, I want to apologise, and say that its the only way to hide my hurt, and this blog, will be the only source that I can pour my bleeding heart into, so that no one will ever know, how I feel deep down....

If only the pillow I hug to sleep was her.. if only I can hold her small and white hands, look her in her eyes, kiss her on the forehead, and tell her I still love her, and still want to spend the rest of my life with her....

I'm still, and forever is ....

yOUR Guardian Angel.....

2007-12-01T00:27:00.000+08:00

Hey.

I just want to comment that this blog has been shut down. I will not be blogging in this blog anymore. I understand that some people still has the link to this blog, or is linked to this blog, so please update your links, and link to my other blog, http://www.soyabeanboi.blogspot.com/. Oh yah, if you guys visit my latest blog, please tag in the tagboard cause its really getting rusty!!! Haha..

Ok thanks ah !!

See ya guys in the other blog !!!

2007-11-01T18:21:00.000+08:00

Hey.

I figured no one probably reads this blog anymore, which is why I decided to write all my inner-most thoughts in this blog. I kind of blogged a lot of stuff in my other blog, www.soyabeanboi.blogspot.com, but she never bothered to read it. So there's no point in me writing all my feelings in there, since the only person whom I wants to read doesn't read it.

We broke up on the 7th of October, Sunday, under my void deck. Up till now, I admit, I still love her. I've been acting as if I've gotten over it, but I realise all I've did was just acting brave, trying to make everyone stop worrying about me, and yet keep all the pain inside. No one understands, why I can't forget her. Why I can't stop loving her. Why this hurts so much I nearly committed suicide three times. It hurts even more that she's with another guy one week after we broke up, and this guy actually knows how to sweet talk her and be there for her, yet as she said it, given her "more sad memories than happy ones".

Every single morning, when I wake up, I wake up hoping this is all just a bad dream, that God played a bad joke on me to make me realise how important she is to me. And yet, I only realise I just keep hoping, but nothing seems to come out of it. I always thought the most romantic a guy can ever do for a girl is remember every single moment that they've been together, but I guess I'm still a childish freak. She wanted me to be there for her, to give her surprises like I used to when we first started, to be more concerned for her, to be her everything. Yet, I disappointed her so much, I guess it kind of made her think that this guy was better, despite the fact that he was wooing her even though he had a 9 yr relationship with his now ex-gf, and was going to get married. I hate this guy, Ken Kee. And yet, when I hacked her email acct, and read the email she sent to her gd fren Danvin, saying how much she enjoys going out with this guy, and actually turning into a Siao Char Bor when he's around, my heart cracks. I still want her back in my life, still want to woo her, and yet, my conscious keeps stoping me, asking me why, because she's so happy with this guy, and that I've never been like this guy, who can share her common interests, such as eating durian and drinking teh halia.

I keep thinking that this guy seems so nice because they see each other everyday, so he tends to try to be there for her, just like when we first started in SP, where I met her for lunch everyday, and waited for her to dismiss from classes everyday, send her home everyday, have dinner with her, go out with her. But, is this really the case ? Does she see this too ? Or is it that I've hurt her so much that she just wants to stop everything ?

I hate myself. So much that when she broke up with me, I nearly slit my wrist. Then nearly do it again when she told me she was with another guy even though she said she might give me another chance. This I don't blame her, because I asked her, If i died would she cried ?, and I guess this made her worried about me, worried that I will die, not worried as in still care for me. The last time I tried to slit, and eventually cut myself, but nt deep enugh to leave wounds and die, but deep enough to see blood and feel the pain so much that it numbs the pain in my heart, was when I saw them together in church together, and then read about how much she enjoys being with him.

My friends all scold me, asking me to stop liking her, and try to move on, because during this relationship she had always had crushes on other guys, such as Joshua from squash, Caleb from school lecturer, and finally this Ken Kee. But I can't, and I never blamed her for all this, because I know I was in the wrong. If I was a better boyfriend, she wouldn't have crushes on other guys.

I suck. As a boyfriend. She always sacrificed for me, giving me everything I wanted, but I never really sacrificed anything for her. I made a lot of plans, but I've never told her. I wish I had the chance to tell her, that when she told me she loved a baby and actually wanted a baby, I told myself I wanted to work hard after army, and marry her by the age of 25, so that she need not suffer and be her housewife. I wanted to give her the best, and I always told myself army is just a passing phase, once army was over, I would give her my all, and make her proud of having a boyfriend like me. Everyone might ask why only after army, and I have to admit, in army, there was nothing I can do to help the situation. But I told my mom, and some of my friends before, army is just a part of life which I want to enjoy. After army, I want to be serious in life, and work hard just for her. I told them before I know she would wait for me, and she was the one I truly wanted to marry, because I really loved her a lot, and I know she loved me a lot too. But in the end, our relationship grew apart, because of me, because I was a jerk, because I did not do enough.

I regret. I regret so much that sometimes I don't have the courage to continue living on. I regret not giving my all to her, I regret giving her so much space so that I can ask for so much space, I regret not caring for her enough, because I know myself that I would never stop to care for her. And yet, all I have now are wishes and regrets.

I want to tell her:

Sabrina Mah,

I still love you, I still want to be with you, I still want to spend my life with you, just like we planned last time. Do you know ? I can't move on, because life feels so empty without you. You know me, although I look like a optimistic and happy go lucky person, actually I'm very fragile inside, and lack self confidence. Yet, you were the one who gave my life meaning, who gave me the confidence everytime I needed it, cared for me everytime I needed care, and was there for me. We shared so much tears, so much pain, so much laughter and so much fun, and also so much love.

Do you remember ? Do you remember after being with you for one week, I got you a bear, and a watch, and hang it around the bear's neck, put it in a box to give it to you ? Do you remember when I waited for you every time after squash, just to eat dinner with you then send you home, and run to catch the last train home to Tampines ? Do you remember our holiday in Phuket, all the happy moments we shared on the cruise ? Do you remember me holding your hand the first time, the first time we watched fireworks at Marina South, the first time we kissed in the club house ? Do you remember ?

I do. I remember you being there for me when I injured my leg, and you coming to visit me everyday, even though it was so boring for you. I remember every single time you cried for me. I remember there was a period of time I felt I was ugly and useless as a boyfriend, and you told me that you loved me for who I was inside. I remember when you planned for our first anniversary, bringing me to a place to enjoy chocolate fondue. I remember you buying for me the Man U jersey cause you knew I loved Man U. I remember you cooking for me the spagetti. I remember you cooking for me the curry. I remember you always coming to my house so that I did not have to travel so far. I remember the first chalet we had as a couple, when we went to wild wild wet to play. I remember our 3rd yr anniversary, spending time at East Coast Park cycling, before going to Tanjong Rhu to eat bao. I remember so much.

I know I swayed and hurt you a lot. But you know I wasn't like that in the past. I was never like that til I entered army. But I never wanted to hurt you. You know it. I changed to become an asshole, but I want to change back for you, to be the guy you knew and fell in love with.

I can't let go, not because I'm just desperate for a girlfriend, but because you were the girl I knew I wanted to marry in the future, to spend my life with.

Please, for old times sake, give me a chance ? Let us start afresh can ? I can do anything for you, you know that, as long as you tell me you still have a bit of feeling for me. This Ken may share a lot of common interest, but I can learn too. And those common interest are just normal interest that a lot of people share. I can learn. Just give me another chance please ? I really can't live without you.

One last chance is all I'm asking.

Please ?

Let me the guy you fell in love with three years ago... please ?

I also want to tell you something. To you now, he may be the best guy in the world, always spending time with you, being there for you. But have you ever considered, that he tried wooing you when he had a girlfriend and he knew you had a boyfriend ? He was going to get married and yet he gave up his marriage on the last min to be with you. If he could do that to a girlfriend of 9 yrs, are you sure he wont do the same to you next time ? He can really sweet talk, even Danvin told you in the email, but can you trust his words ? I don;t trust this guy, and I believe even Esther wouldnt trust him either. Yet you're like super attracted to him, and I can't help but feel that you're doing so only because you want to move on from me and since he likes you, you enjoy this feeling of being loved, and so you decided to be with him. Isn't it a bit rash for you ? Have you thought about it clearly that he really is the guy you want to be with ? You don't even dare to tell your parents about his past, nor even your closest friend Esther. Are you sure this is the right guy ? Have you ever thought about the fact that he might be just another jerk, just like Wang De Yuan ? I really don't want you to be hurt, especially by another guy, and if I have to woo you back and risk you avoiding me and leaving my world forever, this is the risk I'm willing to take. He cried for you, saying he was sad that you had such a bad boyfriend right ? Did you know when I found out all the things about him, I called Esther immediately, and asked her to be there for you, and try to talk to you, because I don't trust him ? I want to be there for you always, but I need you to give me a chance.

I know this sounds damn absurd, but I hope you think about your relationship with him. No matter how bad I was, and how much I hurt you, you knew I never loved another in our relationship, I don;t sweet talk because I love you too much and I only tell you the truth. You know that I would never stop you from being close with anyone, because I trust you. Maybe you misplaced this trust, but I never stopped trusting you, unlike him, who is unhappy everytime I talk to you face to face in church.

Please.. although I've hurt you, I can change that, and we've been together for 3 yrs, can you really let go totally ? Can you really use this guy to throw away everything we held on for these 3 yrs ? Let me tell you something. We did not drag on this relationship. You felt that way because you kept thinking we drag on, cause it seemed there was no more spark. Did you know every couple faces this problem ? And yet every couple remained because in the end the spark comes back ? Remember when I told you we should break up because we lost the spark ? The spark came back, and in the end we were back together. I need you to know, that the spark comes and goes, because its created by both parties, and it came back that time when you kept caring for me, kept asking me out, kept being there for me even though I wasn't your boyfriend anymore. I can bring the spark back too. All I need is one last chance.

Don't be afraid of being hurt, because I swear I won't hurt you again.

I still love you.

One last chance. Please?

This is what I really want to tell her, and yet, lack the courage to do so.... I know if I told her all these, she might really leave me for good. And yet, because of this fear, and this new boyfriend, there's nothing much I can do for her.

I guess this would remain a secret till I died. If I died, I hope anyone who see this blog entry can show it to her, so that she can know my final wishes.

I have to say this, but everyday is getting worse for me without her. Family isnt doing very well either. If one day, I cant take it anymore, and I die, I hope she will cry for me. Because if she doesn't, I wouldnt be able to rest in peace. And although I keep wishing for her to come back to me, I also have one other wish... and that other wish, is for her to forget me, find a really good guy, and be happy with him forever...cause that's all I really wanted for her since we first got together... for her to be happy forever....

The End.

updates of life..

2006-12-23T23:00:00.000+08:00

hey.....

haven blogged for such a long time.. since i'm SO FREE.. haha might as well do an entry, though i doubt anyone would read it. Its been almost a year plus since i last blogged, so i'll just continue from where i left off.
Firstly, my dad in still in China. His business is not doing very well, but i dun really care nowadays. Its been about two years and four months since i got together with sab, so if anyone wants to know our status there u have it. Now for the updates.. Firstly, lets talk about home. Haha kind shifted to Ang Mo Kio to stay with my grandad cause mum wanted to loan out the house to earn the extra income. Mum's getting a new job, i tink she's looking for it, so it will be soon. Victor was posted to Bishan Park Sec Sch, so its like right across the park, so its pretty convenient for him. Don's 4 yrs old nw haha.. he's very cute, but becoming very naughty and very unbearing. Sis will stay at my aunty's house in Tampines as she haven complete her sec education yet.. Finally lets tok abt me.

I'm in the army now, was in 46SAR Armour Infantry, now in Seletar Camp, TPT Cen East as a driver/clerk/storeman. Life in army is not as bad as i tot it would be... it was quite tough to adapt, but i guess once u're used to it... its pretty much like normal working life. I just had an operation on my right knee, kinda tore my right knee ligament and had to do a allograft to replace my old one.... knee hurts like hell now, but i dun wan my family or sab to worry abt me, so i always tell them its ok... it actually hurts a lot straightening it nw... prob due to the swelling. wish i could quickly recover... There's been so many problems at home, financially, emotionally... i'm just glad the family is a bit more bonded, plus i gt a beautiful and caring gf to take care of me nw.... mum's coming back, so i'll just end it here... update u soon....

......loveless.....

2005-07-05T08:48:00.000+08:00

dun noe wat to do or say animore.... life is taking a very big turn for me nw... dun even noe hw i shld react.... firstly.. dad gt a mistress outside... i dun noe hw to react... he's going to China soon.. i wsh he ould make it big there.... den he would never come back... so me and the rest of the family dun need to see his face... something's wrong between me and her.... i dun wat it is... i dun even noe wat happened... all of a sudden she just became very cold... its like the sabrina i have for a gf just disappeared.. read her blog... she said she wished she could turn back time so she could perfect her life the way she wanted it to be.. i dun noe if it means anithing.. but i feeling that her perfect life probably meant without me in it... she seemed to wnt to tell me sumthing.. but she just wouldnt... i wanted to hold her hand yest.. but she refused to... my heart broke.. i may be a bit emotional.. but which guy would be able to take it...even though she said that its her exam stress.... but i can sense that she's pushing me away.... all my life... all i wanted was a person who could understand me and love me for whu i was.... and i tot i realli found whu i was looking for all my life... but all of a sudden she changed... i understand now why in sum dramas some old people say the a curse or spell was put on sumone.. i dun believe in this crap.. but i do believe why they feel that way.. its bcos when sumone changes all of a sudden... u jus dun understand y... one min she's the one for you.. next minute she just changes to another person.. i dun understand y... even nw.. as i'm toking to her online.. she uses one word to reply me... and its as if she doesnt want me in her life animore.. but she wan me to ask for a breakup...

i feel dejected... i have no motivation to do anithing nw... i wanna go on with her.. but will she wan to go on with me too ? sumtimes i feel tat i let her dwn.. during her squash trials... i said sumthing to demoralise her.. and she gt angry... but even though i told the truth.. i shld have tried to protect and encourage her more... maybe all this while... i was the one in her life that held her back from many things.. things she wanted to accomplish... such as the church ppl looking up to her as a good example... such as good grades.. total christian life... excellent squasher... good career.. be a tai tai as she said in her blog.. or maybe a missionary like her parents... haiz.... everytime i think abt the time she went to cambodia... the day she came back.. my birthday.. the thins tht she wrote in the cards she gave me recently... my tears just keep flowing.. i dun understand hw anyone can all of a sudden change so much... i ask her if we could talk after her squash today.. she said orh.. den she asked if it was serious.. but her replies were all one word.... i dun noe hw to handle the situation anymore... i feel dwn.... i am hoping for the best nw... i wish it is realli sum exam stress and that she will go back being the sabby that i loved.. but if nt.... i dun noe wat i shld do ..... all the while she was the motivation for me... when the motivation is gone.. would u still consider living ??

haiz sadded life,.....

2004-10-27T01:44:00.000+08:00

yo.. haiz life juz became extremly sianz for me... took my acconts test today.. failed horribly i guess... nvr prepare enugh to even pass sheesh.. guess i'll be fowarding this module againg.. haiz.. also if i fail tis module, i'll get kicked out of sb club.. haiz....life juz took a bad turn for me man.... damn.. stil gt 3 more papers left and already i feel tired haha.. i tink i too slack liao haiz.... been playing gb for the past 2 weeks everyday.... tink i kinda addicted to it also.. haha.. very fun. but very time consuming.... and time is DEFINATELY nt wat i hv now haiz... life juz gets borin day by day.. luckily.. there are 3 things that bring joy to my life nw: 1) Princess Sabee Dearest, 2) my CUTE baby bro Don, and 3) my wonderful bed and com... ok so maybe tats 4 things.. but whu cares right haha....if i really get fowarded i make sure next sem my fa muz get a sia !!! haha.... confirm muz lor.. but super hopin wun get forwarded nw haiz.... Sabee's updating her blo nw... so i'm kinda waiting for her to be done so i can call her haha.. my hp bill is SUPER high nw.. so if one day u guys call me but cant get thru... DUN WORRY !!! haha.. juz call Sabee... i'll be with her most of the time anyway haha..... wish my life wuld improve betta.... on mon day it was yi ming's bday, yet i totally forgot abt it.. man!! haiz... tmr is joy and jade's birthday, but i haven been toking to them for long. shld i stil send them a sms saying happy birthday ? hmmm,.. haha... going steam boating with sabee, terence, hazel, zhen zhen, li jia they all on firday... haha cant wait man so excited....anyway Singapore Idol rox !! Sylvester rox !! man go ah beng !! haha....u rock !!! ok la feeling SUPER tired nw... haha... waitin for bee to call me... haha... haiz.. btw bryan broke up liao... haiz sad right.... juz started den break liao... haiz... so sad.... haiz ok i go lie on the bed liao see ya.. pray for my results yah.. need ur prayer aha.. ok see ya...tis is handsum Ken signing off haha.. nite nite.....zzzzzzzzz

stressed up ken ......

2004-10-22T21:29:00.000+08:00

yo yo .. haiz.. life's so stressed up nowadays... even me, the ultimate slacker, also feels stress.. but i nt really feeling the stress frm the exams.. but more on the stress frm nt feeling stressed abt the exams despite it being so near..i dunno... las yr ard tis time i wuld be slogging it out with hazel and zhen zhen to study like hell.. but nw its like their nt even studying the same thing tat i study... and i dun hv much frens tat study the same thing to guide me.... feel so helpless.. for the past few days, i've been going out with sabby almost everyday... was supposed to study, but ended up slacking and archie comics haha.... its nt tat i dun enjoy these moments with sabby.. but i'm actually afraid .. afraid tat she might nt have enugh time to study bcos of me, and tat she will nt get gd grades...haiz... every night when she says that she wans to study.. part of me wans to study , but the other part wans to tok to her...den tok to her liao she's feel tired and go to slp... haiz.. am i draggin her dwn ? haiz..my results are like shit.. yet i'm nt worried abt myself.. test is tuesday.. but i'm still unclear abt so many things abt my subjects.. many regrets....haiz.. really wish to pass my exams and for her to get all the A's tat she wants.. maybe the saying is true.... "Behind every successful woman is a failure callled a man..." haiz...if i have a chance to pass. next sem i muz nt slack again !!! promise to myself....ok gtg study liao... pray for me guys... pray tat i will scrap thru pls... thnx God and Frens.. Love Ya Princess Sabee....

Feeling so tired nw,... but happy though..

2004-10-18T06:31:00.000+08:00

yo yo... firstly i like to apologise for nt blogging for like such a long time ( its almost 18 days i tink ).. haha been kinda busy with LOTSA stuff.... haiz haha... i'm actually studying for an econs test ltr at ten. but i juz finished reading thru and wanted to take a break haha.. ok quick update.... three days ago.. me n her celebrated 2nd mth anniversary !!!! haha... she baked brownied for me ( so sweeeeeeeet riteeeeeee...... haha)... taste damn nice summore haha... we went out to orchard to eat sake sushi haha.. even though i'm nt a sushi fan haha but i ate other stuff haha.. eh den ltr bcos we din had plans we went to meet hazel and zhen zhen to walk ard... haha.. den ltr i sent her hme.. haha... kinda surprised tat our 2-mth came so fast.... it still seems as it was yest when i told her tat i like her haha.... anyway.... finally completed all the projects !! yeah !!! haha.. even though i dun do much or dun do at all haha... i still feel happy tat there is no more projects to worry abt haha... blaw presentation was kinda funni.... kai kit was the main joker, saying all the funni things by accident such as "my honour" instead of your honour... and when she coulndt rebut us, she juzsaid one sentence that she's innocent/... haha.... so girl girl.... haha.... bryan's grp and zhi wei's grp was nt so interesting thou.. simon as usual had a lot of things to say.. and he had a lot of gd points to tok abt too... but it was kinda dead.. especially zhi wei's grp.. with both zhi wei and cai wen so sianz like tat.. all so solemn.. haiz haha.. celebrated aaron's bday on sat october 16... yeah !! haha he's finally 18 .. and can do a lot of things LEGALLY LIAO haha.... we nearly stripped him on the basket ball court tat nite haha.. its been almost 5 yrs since i first got to know him as a fren... cheers to our friendship between me, u and ming hui and the rest of the fellowship nt forgetting Cj and Lester as well haha... ok la i kinda hungry liao .. wanna cook noodles nw... ltr den study haha.. see ya.. hopefully i can blog asap.. haha bb.. btw.. to all my frens out there.. including u whu's reading this haha... gd luck for all ur exams, be it A level's, poly exams, or O's or sec sch exams yah hahah study hard.. and we will survive !! at least i hope i will haha.. ok see ya...

another blog entry haha..

2004-10-04T13:18:00.000+08:00

yo yo.. sorry for nt blogging for so long.. but since i'm at the com and waiting for sabby dear, i might as well do the blog nw.. haha.. haiz a lot of things happened during this week.. my grandma passed away last last week friday... wasnt really close to her so i din really feel anything , but my father and his brothers was affected the most.. at the same time my cousin pearlyn gt married on the second day of the funeral.. and she was like the closest to my grandma.. so i guess she was affected the most... heard tat during the funeral dates, a female stdent frm EEE fell to her death in school.... kinda sad as she was juz toking to her bf on the phone, sitting on the ledge when she slipped and fell... haiz.. wat a pity... sabby went of the wedding and the first day of the funeral.. ken wants to tell her thnx for cuming.. at the end of the funeral, a strange thing started to happen. it seems that most of the granchildren of the family including me fell sick to serious stomach flu.. in fact, mine was so bad on wed i din even hv the energy to walk, and sabby came to see me and pass me sumthing.. ken juz wants to say a big "THANK YOU" again for cuming to see me and be there for me...hehe.. anyway... went to watch resident evil 2 on thursday.. its damn nice !!! all the actresses are damn hot and the action scenes were damn cool.. howeva due to the lack of story line, if u're the kind whu juz likes to see action this is the movie for u... anyway din do much in the weekend cause its like she got a lot of things on sat.. she shifted to outram to " The Third Place" to stay and i kinda hlped her shift sumthings... was supposed to hv a test on tat morning, but i had stomach ache, n my mum asked me nt to go... so i went to see a doc at a poly clinic.. waited super long lor.... basket !! plol clinic muz wait super long sia.. damn.. went hme on sat super early and played gunbound for abt half an hr b4 watching naruto for the rest of the evening.. on sunday, went to church.. had a great time with uncle clarence and nicholas...we talked abt a lot of things, frm the bible to ghost stories... after church i accompanied sabby to the doc's because she's kinda sick.. den accompanied her to get her formal pants.. i think she looks damn cool and professional in formal haha.. after tat went o her hse for lunch... her brudder was also kinda sick, and he kept vomiting.. its seemed serious.... after tat i stayed for a while before i left.... went hme to slack after tat... haha nw slacking in sch.. haha.. sbby's still sick.. hope she gets better.. she toked to me, hoping that i would be more understanding for the next 2 mths cause she wants to spend more time with her parents... guessi shld lah.. after all her parents will be leaving singapore in 2 more mths time.... muz get adjusted to life without her most of the time haha..
(PS. to Sabby: I noe i've nt been understanding this few weeks and i tend to keep getting angry at you for nothing, but i juz want to say a big THANK YOU for understanding me and nt getting angry at me after all these time.... sorry for these few weeks... i promise u i'll try to change yah. haha ok..btw drink more water yah !!! wanna see ur smile soon !!haha ok gtg love ya bye !! )

feeling pissed....

2004-09-22T23:39:00.000+08:00

haiz... dun even know y i feel angry.. but i juz cant stand it.. was on the way home juz nw... sabby said she was gonna call me at 1015.. but she din, so i called her at 1030 twice but she din pick up.. ltr when she called me back ard 1040 i was kinda in a bad mood cause the train was so noisy cause this stupid group of indian guys keep playing their hp ringing tones at the highest volume in the tunnel and i gt irritated by them.. den during the conversation i was trying to cool my self down cause i din want to loss my top with sabrina bcos i was angry at sumone else... so we tried to tok abt a lot of topics... but the conversation juz could nt get going.. it was like when she started a topic i'll juz end it cause i din really noe wat to say.. den when i got off the train and walked home everything started getting better, until she kept oking abt wat ppl was toking to her abt online and stuff such as wat eugene was toking to her abt.. maybe i'm overreacting, but i cant stand it when she does tat !! its like sumtimes when we're on the phone she'll be online and i'll feel like a wall cause she's prob nt paying attention even if i tok cause tat was wat happen for the past few incidents.. during one conversation tat we had, i was toking to her and she was online and i felt as if i was toking to a wall.. there was also this other time when i called her to tok and thru out the conversation she was watching naruto.... ARGH !!! so when she started toking abt sumthing tat was happening online i juz kept quiet cause i was boiling inside bcos its like if u're online den even if we tok u'll prob juz pay more attention to the stupid computer. haiz.. den when i entered the life she kept saying harlo and i kept harlo back and i sort of gt irritated and shouted at her.... she apologised but i said it wasnt her fault, and its true- it wasnt her fault tat i was angry cause i wasnt angry at her over the harlo thingy, but i was more angry at the idea of her online while toking to me.. so when she ask me y i was so quiet.. i juz said i had nothing to say n so she replied if tats the case den she tok to me tmr when we meet.. tat was the time when i juz lost it.. i said yah and den we din even do the usual bye and i love u thingy.. i was juz so angry... juz called her to ask where to meet tmr.... she's sleeping already....haiz... my temper's getting worse.. i juz cant get it controlled.. i noe if she sees this blog entry she'll prob feel hurt or may get angry but if i dun write it out den she'll nvr noe hw i feel when i'm on the line with her.. haiz.. dun even noe y i'm crying now when i'm supposed to be angry..gtg..

a long awaited entry...

2004-09-13T10:35:00.000+08:00

yo yo.. haha sorri i took so long to blog.. been kinda busy lately..... anway here's the update.... been on the class rep cruise since sunday and only came back on wednesday nite.... cruise was super fun !!! haha... spent a lot of quality time with lao po Sabee haha.... also spent a lot of bonding time with the club ppl.. haha... phuket was super fun too !!!! very warm and smelly but the things there were cheap.... much cheaper then Singapore.... got a pullover from man united shop for only $17 !!! super cheap !! the only regret was i din get things for the family haiz.... during cruise we played LOTR monopoly and six man big 2 almost every nite.. was very fun,. all of us developed nicknames during the cruise....haha ken the orc, amanina, valerie the source of income, junjie is shaggy, wilson is scrabby doo cum bruce lee, jonathan is jon jon cum donovan, adam is handsum cum super bastard etc.. haha super fun... after cruise we got to do a lot of club stuff.... din hv much time to see my dearest *sobs*... yesterday was sunday, went to meet her for breakfast at burger king, den went to church.. felt kinda strange sitting with jethro and sabee's parents... fell asleep a few times during the sermon too... after youth i had a long talk with clarence.... we arranged to have bible classes to understand the faith cause i was a 'newbie'... anyway after that we had lunch with sabee's family... after lunch me and sabee went to my hse to take money cause i use up all my money in my wallet liao... ended up sleeping cause i was kinda tired and she juz sat there looking at me.. felt so bad cause it was like she din manage to do much... after tat went to hv dinner at pastamania.. food wasnt too gd.. kinda sick of pasta nw.. haha ltr we took a cab to her hse cause i wasnt feeling too well.. she was supposed to reach me by 8 but bcos she din really wan to up so we sat dwnstairs and toked and sang..or rahther i sang haha.. after tat she went up at 9... went hme after tat.... felt very tired cause was having flu.. but felt very happy tat i spent some tim with her.. this coming week is a busy week... hope i can see her almost everyday.. ok gtg liao.. see ya...

Finally !!! A Blog Entry !!!

2004-08-30T23:49:00.000+08:00

yo yo so sorry for not blogging fr the past few days.. been returning home late almost everynite.. haha also dun hv the strength and stamina to write blog liao haha... anyway....today's the 15th day since we got together !!! Yeah !! haha its been half a month already...getting along pretty well too.... lets tok abt wat happened at sch today... took Macroeconomics test this morning...fail like shit man... but i'm nt the only one.. simon and evon also cannot calculate the values so we ended up failing like shit together haha.... met Sabee for lunch juz nw at bukit batok... nearly wanted to pon class but i did nt in the end... anyway after tat had a very boring lesson... den i had mock rwps test.. was kinda fun though cause for once the teacher was like saying that i was actually doing something related to rwps during the lesson haha she kinda suan me also lah but she's quite adorable, so yah haha... after tat had a meeting with the sb club committee... the agenda was actually abt roger.. nw it seems like veryone knows abt roger.. sad lah.... he actually quite a nice person juz nt much integrity.... haiz.. he gt suspended from club as well...dun tink he can cum back to club liao haiz.. after the meeting i was kinda disturbed by roger's incident.. had a long chat with nina abt roger on the bus.. kinda rocked my heart a bit to see a friend like tat... its like i'm nt really tat close to him, but i pity him for his plight nw n i juz wish everything will breeze thru for him haiz.. met sabee at jurong east to slack... due to the stupid slow bus i made sabee wait for me quite a bit.. I'M VERY SORRY !!! after tat se gt flowers for her teacher and we walked ard jurong east.. due to te fact tat i was still disturbed by roger's incident, i was in the right state of mind and kinda acted strangely towards sabee.... but i gt out of it after toking to sabee.. even though we wernt toking abt roger.. my heart juz melts when i hear her voice... she's gt this calming effect thingy in her voice and her eyes juz looked so relaxed.. haha..... kinda placed me back on track as gd ol' ken haha.. went to her hs after tat.. dwnloaded a couple of songs, but since i mesh is so SLOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW..... i din manage to get to burn a song disc....played gunbound for the first time in my life at sabee's hse.. haha so fun !!! its almost like worms, juz tat the graphics and animation ae mch betta, plus the gt different kind of levels and weapons and special skills etc.. so interesting... haha .... left sabee's hse at nine thirty and went to meet yu ke for supper.... he seemed kinda depressed at first but gt betta after a while..after supper he went to sing karaoke while i went hme.. reached hme ard 1130..(so early !!! haha )... nw toking to sabee.. gtg liao... anyway.. comments for the day: Great day! but can do betta,.. haha sorry acting lame... yah mss sabee so much nw haha... hope to see her a lot tmr !! haha..... gtg see ya...signing off here as Ken the great One..... hahah...

Feeling High... Once again haha....

2004-08-18T00:44:00.000+08:00

yo !!! today was very strange day.. cause everyone started asking abt me and her... haha .. sems like the whole world other den bryan knows lah.. eh gt back my bfi test results. even though i did badly.. i was kinda surprised tat i gt 17 for the test over 50 marks.. cause i expected a result less den ten haha..... but still.. the retest is lke next week, so.. sianz haha eh nvr really study much today.. juz breezed the day thru.. met bee in sch after her squash to send her hme.. felt kinda bad cause i actually went to a fren's hse to play mahjong instead of waitng for her in sch.. she din mind thou.. haha thnx dear.. yah after sending her hme ming hui called and toked to me haha..he was very happy for me.. sam wong knows too... haha.. she tagged in the tag board asking abt it... and i replied her haha... sam or sam wong rather caus i know 2 sams nw....if u're reading this, thnx and gd luck for ur a's yah !!! ok tats all i gt to say feeling super high nw.. as usal cant fall asleep haha.... ok lah i go try to slp liao see ya .. nite nite...

eibbasdnanek... haha = )

2004-08-17T01:52:00.000+08:00

eh haha today was an okay day.. skipped class frm 1 onwards.... eh went out with bee and doron and mei bao after sch... went to woodlands to eat yoshinoya.... she finally gave me a reply !!! haha.... anyway took our first neo print... tink we look nice together... haha so thick skin rite haha... anyway after tat we went to play arcade for a while before snding her home.. took the longer route so tat can hv more tiem together and also avoid seein her parents... had a long talk with mom abt bee.. hehe dun tell u wat haha.. anyway mom approves of it so i tink its ok.... haha ok supposed to be slping nw but cant fall asleep haha.. ok gtg slp liao.. gd nite..
(PS.. i'm sorry abt both things tat u asked abt juz nw... promise i wun do it again .... hehe... sorry ah.. haha u shld know who u r...)

Happy happy ken....

2004-08-16T01:46:00.000+08:00

haha dun know hw to explain also juz feeling super happy nw... haha.. eh sabbie and sam came to my hse today to take nap haha but at the end of the day both din slp cause sabbie was watching tv while sam was watching spongebob vcds... haha.... eh after tat went to watch fireworks haha... it was super nice !!! haha....much betta den last week... den we went to newton to eat with bryan... bryan was kinda high.. he kept using his hankerchief to slap himself haha.... tink he was very nervous infront of sam haha.... in the end he found out tat samantha likes him and i tink he was like jumping for joy.... haha.... sent both of them hme b4 going hme.... feel super high nw.. haha.. the feeling is like receiving ur first toy when u're young, or the first time u took an airplane ride... its a unique and nice feeling.... haha.... ok lah gtg slp liao hehe.. hope i can fall asleep hehe... gd nite

eh strange day...

2004-08-15T00:16:00.000+08:00

yo .... woke up at 6 this morning to go for the econs shit... saw terence and victor juz nw at the yio chu kang mrt station... haha they still look the same sia... haha... anyway bcos the talk was so boring i left the place to go back sch look for sabbie.. met josh and celine too..pei sabbie to her dental appt.. haha she like sum big shot haha gt 3 escorts to pei her haha anyway after tat we went to kumon in somerset for sabbie's interview.. slacked abt one hr at the comic shop beside.. haha... after the interview we went to walk ard in orchard... ate subway for dinner.... josh and celine kept trying the leg thingy on both me and sabbie haha... was damn funny....eh sabbie went to try a plaited skirt plus her nice hat at top shop... tink the skirt looks damn nice on her haha... anyway she din get either one of them cause both was kinda ex... eh send sabbie hme after tat... eh still feeling kinda sick lah... my throat feels like hell nw.. haiz haha ok lahvery tired nw.. wanna go slp liao.. did sumthing special today.. hehe wun say wat lah...keep guessing... ok see ya.... gd nite....

sick day..

2004-08-14T00:54:00.000+08:00

yo yo.. been sick the whole day .. so PEK CEK LAH !!! haha .. ok nw i start... was a pretty sucky day in the morning cause was very very sick.. the running nose was juz like an open tap.. it keeps running and running.. met hazel and the click b4 meeting sabrina for lunch.. went to pizza hut to hv lunch.. the baked rice is quite nice... but it was very expensive... yu ke made us laugh the whole meal... we couldnt finish the food in the end so we ended up playing "hua quan" to make the loser eat the rest of the food.. haha guess wat.. in the end yu ke ate most of it up haha.. after lunch went to sabbie's hse to slack.. she watched her naruto while i was sleeping on the sofa.. after tat we took a cab to sch.. took accts test at 515.... the test on the overall was very easy.. but i'm juz afraid i'll make sum silly mistake or sumthin haiz.. after the test went back to the squash court to find sabbie.. she accompanied me to KFC's for dinner, and we ended up eating by the swimming pool haha.... usual hang out place for dinner haha..after dinner we slacked ard the squash court for a while b4 she went for her training.. waited for ehr till she finish b4 sending her hme.. met her dad on the mrt. gt the shock of my life !! haha.. was kinda stun to see her dad.. so din really know wat to say or do so i juz kept quiet for the most of the time.. after tat we went to the foodcourt in westmall to eat.. but we ended up nearly gettibg locked in there... after tat we went to meet esther.. haha suan her like hell when i saw her...we toked for quite a bit on the pavement b4 sending sabbie back... meetin her tmr after econs talk... haiz super sianz hv to wake up so early in the morning to go yio chu kang.. siao rite.. haha ok lah i wanna go slp liao.. hope tmr i'll feel betta haha... gtg gd nite sweet dreamz....
(PS. i'll catch u whenever u fall... )

feeling super sick...

2004-08-13T10:42:00.000+08:00

feeling super sick nw....haiz.. wanna die liao ltr still gt accts test... haiz..

Day 2.... haha

2004-08-11T23:11:00.000+08:00

yo.. dun know wat to say abt today.. its been kinda of a breeze...went to sch at 11 today.. wasnt in the mood to eat.. met sabbie ltr are 12 to slack... talked to hazel for a while.. haha she wore kinda formal today.. super nice.. dun always see her wear like tat.. haha my chio brudder haha.. eh kept suaning abt sabbie's blue strap for the whole day.. but she din really notice.... went to do project for the whole afternoon b4 meetin ambrose mirinda.. haha he's damn sarcastic.. and i'm a slo a bit scared of him cause he's gt the fearless look tat can kill u once he shouts at u or sumthing haha.. but nice chap for a lecturer lah haha... met sabbie ltr to slack out at clubhse while waiting for nick..haha... was supposed to go nick's hse to study . but we kinda slacked too much and it gt too late haha.. mei bao called ard 5 sumthing to say her pants had split haha.. gave her sum safety pins on the way out of the school with sabbie. saw tabs at the badminton court too.. she seemed very disturbed... wonder wats wrong.. tink she's feeling kinda low.... hope she's feeling alright... no feelings for her liao.. but i still treat her as a gd fren like last time.... went to wets mall to eat dinner with sabbie.. haha was talking to he inchinese most of the time during dinner and it felt so wierd.. haha prob its bcos i'm toking to her i guess haha..tok to ming hui in chinese feels super juz like me haha.. walked ard looking for a present for pei yi's bday.. but culdnt get anything.. sabbie saw this watch which she liked a lot.. tink its kinda nice thou its a bit ex lah haha.... sent her hme after tat.... on the way home on bus 506.. i fell asleep and when i woke up i tink i drooled on my newspaper.. haha damn yucks rite...haha tink i snored too cause most of the bus ppl seem to be looking at me when i alighted haha.... hope i dun meet this ppl on bus again haha... studying accts nw haiz super sianz.. ok gtg liao... go call sabbie nw.. see ya bye....

Day One after confession entry...

2004-08-10T23:23:00.000+08:00

yo yo.... its been a suay day today.. but first....today's is the first day of Singapore as 39 yrs old !!! yeah.... woke up super late this morning.. den had stomach ache.. so had to take a cab to sch in the end.. but it juz gt worse from there on.. waited half an hr for a cab.. boarded the cab at 9 when my classes started at 9, took the only route tat wasnt jam at tat time, ended up in a jam cause half way thru the route an accident took place.. cab fare altogether was 20 bucks.... reach sch ard ten like tat.. super suay rite.. den met doron and decided to crash his lecture.. saw sabbie but she din see me.. studied BFI during the lecture plus accts lecture.... forgot EVERYTHING that i studied during the test.. haiz.. life juz cant get any worse.. pon econs lec tinking a lot of ppl skipped only to realise tat me and jesz were the only 2 ppl whu skipped lec in class.... wat else could go wrong.. the rest of the day went smoothly after my ECM lesson... dismissed early.. went to clubhse to slack.. met sabbie and hansel for dinner at kfc's... went to play basketball with aaron, ming long, ngak and the rest.. played like shit as usual... gt the new basketball from aaron, went back hme with him and toked abt a lot of shit on the way hme.. juz reached hme.. haha feeling super shag nw.. guess i haven played serious basketball for long haha.. sianz tinking abt a lot of shit nw....haiz... very tired.. think sabbie's gonna call ltr bah haha... ok i gtg see ya bye...

A New Beginning....

2004-08-09T03:23:00.000+08:00

Yo.. haha .. today was a busy day ....haha... woke up to watch cartoon at 10 this morning haha. very early rite... den i slack for the whole bloody day tilll 2pm.... went to ming hui's hse to play ball with ming hui for abt an hour or so den went home to change.... was supposed to meet sabrina for a musical or sumthing.. but plans were changed in the last min and instead we went to watch the fireworks display... met josh and had a long private talk with him... he's quite ok.... a bit cappy and childish at times... but fun to hang out with.... den met sabbie and samantha... was toking to sam most of the time today.. juz din wan to tok to sabbie at first.... dun even knw y... prob cause i felt tat she liked josh... also dun know y... but anyway. on the way there to esplanade, met a lot of ppl, like yang hui (stupid tao hui !!! haha ), jamie ( see ah lian !!! haha ), and lester etc.... there was a lot of ppl there and we ended up squeezing with a lot of ppl to watch the fireworks display..... it was quite nice though...after tat i saw rou hui and jun ting and jeff.... haha rou hui so bright haha... ltr went to a cafe in city link to sit and drink.... when josh came to meet sabbie, me and sam went to hmv to look at cd's and we listened to a few songs from the maksim cd.... tink his songs are damn cool..... haha ltr when we came back josh and his friend left.. den i started actually toking to sabbie and joking ard with the both of them... after tat i went home with them .. but i alighted at clementi in the end.... went to ming hui's hse to have supper with ming hui and aaron.. chatted for very long.. its been a while since we three brudders last had such a chat... din manage to get beer though due to 7-11's new ruling..(no sale of alcohol after 12). so we sat at the basketball court for like 2 hrs chit chatting b4 leaving.. haha.. sorry for the boring attitude towards writing tday's blog causse i'm super tired nw haha.. ok wanna go slp liao see ya tmr... gd nte... sweet dreamz(PS... HAPPY NATIONAL DAY SINGAPORE!!!)

"Home"

this is home, truly...
where i know i must be..
where my dreams wait for me...
where the river always flows ...
this is home, surely..
where my senses tell me...
this is where... i wont be alone.....
for this is where....
i know....
its home....

Feeling super sianz..

2004-08-07T23:56:00.000+08:00

sianz.... i'm actually forcing myself to write my blog nw... haiz... super sianz nw.... went out this morning to renew my passport with cheryl, but because the renewal is abt 70 dollars which is very expensive, and there was also a lot of ppl at the place, tat y we decided to do it next week wednesday... went to town to get macdonald breakfast... talked to cheryl abt a lot of things happening nw... its been a while since i last tok to her heart to heart.... we toked abt a lot of things.. abt the things i was dealing with, whu i like and all that stuff...den we went to more than words at cine to get hp chain for bryan me yi hao and herself.... den we met sabbie.. we walked for a while, den cheryl left to meet her friend.. tink she was hopping i could pei her to find her friend... but i din.. i pang seh her.. haiz.. wat a "great" friend i am... den went to eat mac with sabbie at taka and at the same time went to meet josh and celine... the our of us walked ard the whole day... josj and celine actually looks ery compatible.. but i tink he might like sabbie nw bcos he keeps disturbing her haha.. den went to watch a movie called collateral.. the only thing tat made me feel tat the movie was gd was that the whole scene took place within one night.. after the movie went to see sabbie practise with her church band.. heard her singing for the first time.. her voice nt bad.. quite nice summore.. den we went to eat dinner with samantha..... dinner was ok lah i guess.. walked ard after tat for a while in the west mall b4 i walked them hme.... after tat on the way hme was toking to sabbie on the phone on the bus when she said tat her father wanted her off the phone.. kinda felt bad tat bcos of me her father may scold her abt the phone thingy... haiz.. anyway.. reached hme.. bathed.. tried to online chat but the msn on my com was like shit and kept dcing... so i decided to write my blog and den go to slp... messaging tabs nw... dun know y.. but i gues i dun like her anymore.. dun hv tat special feeling tat i felt with her when i first liked her.. plus she's replying my messages liao.. though i dun knw hw long this will keep up... haiz.. one thing abt my life is tat when ever i like a girl she likes sumone else... maybe i'm juz destined nt to like anyone... haiz

Friday.... haiz...

2004-08-06T22:51:00.000+08:00

yo yo !!! haha.. its been a pretty long day... woke up late this morning, so i skipped e-commerce lecture, den din do much in sch till b law lesson.. b law was kinda interesting.. but the most intersting thing tat happened today was during the b law break... we saw a group of people nearly getting into a fight.. it seemed like the girl wasnt very happy with this guy because this guy copied and paste a lot of things in the project which ended up having the whole grp fail the project.... den things gt heated up and the girl splashed a cup of drink onto the guy.. and when the guy tried to quarrel back, the other guy in the grp stood up and nearly fought with this guy haha.... very drama.. den after lesson i skipped b law lecture and went to slack at the clubhse.. but i ended up seeing sabbie train for squash with nicholas, flo's bf... then mei bao and the rest of the gang came over to find us.. saw tabs too... was kinda happy that she was ard cause i hardly had time to tok to her these few days.. but we ended up nearly quarrelling.. she was saying sumthing abt wat table tennis trainig was abt hitting balls, den i was like saying den wat else do you hit den she gave me a sarcastic laughter and i replied with the same sarcastic laughter and den conversation ended.... haiz.... i tink i shld stop suaning ppl for a change ...wuld be much betta.... at least she'll talk to me in the past... nw ? haiz.... met ming hui and kevyn and emmanuel ltr for dinner, even though i din eat wth them... i wen to drink with ming hui also, but bcos we were short of cash so we managed to get ONE bottle of blue vodka and we shared among ourselves haha.... was kinda lame... but i miss those days haha.. feeling kinda tired nw... wished i could still tok to tabs.. life jz feels so empty without her.. haiz.....

Thursday... Sianz.....

2004-08-05T22:54:00.000+08:00

yo... its been a pretty long day... lets just start with wat happen in the morning... woke up pretty late this morning, so din even managed to get a bathe before leaving the hse. classes were ok..but i just realise i may have to fail BFI's Ca next tuesday cause i dont understand a single word she's saying !!! haiz.. den after class bryan said we're supposeed to meet sabrina for lunch. i was kinda reluctant to eat with them, cause i'll feel so extra and that i'll be probably be not talking much when i'm with the both of them together... but i went anyway cause i din wan to eat lunch alone... but it ended up pretty much like the way i expected. i don now y this is so, but every time i'm with them i juz dun feel like talking, cause its like i feel so extra. Even when its outside as long as i'm the only person with the both of them, i'll juz feel that even if i said anything both of them will prob juz be ignored cause both are so engrossed with each other's conversation. Besides she's more talkative with Bryan, so i prob shouldnt even be ard when they meet each other... anyway.. as luch passed by, i juz din feel like talking to her, so when yu ke and gang asked me to go play ball, i juz agreed, prob cause i din wan to be the "light bulb" anymore. Den i saw yi hao sitting on my sit as well, and when he saw me he was going to leave the table, so i asked him to sit down and tat i came back juz to tak my bag. Haiz.. i dunno if i messed up big time by quarrelling with him, but i frankly dun care. Anyway the three of them will prob be better off without me.. haha.. dunno y i can still laugh even though i'm so bothered by it.. the three of them are all good people, people who's not like me.. i'm a bad guy, a playful flirt, a insensitve jerk, haha.. and most of all i'm a playful childish ass, but those three are people who are more sensible teens den me, and like sabbie once siad, if i become bad, she'll prob juz leave me alone, so i tink its ok if i distance myself from them.. juz wished aaron and ming hui and cheng jin and lester was here.. i miss those days when it was jus the five of us.... haiz.. stayed in sch at the clubhse till 8 like tat. Juz din wan to go home so early even though i have a project to rush and a lot of tests to study.. saw ben train basketball.. reminded me of last time in sec sch, when me and josh and the rest of us would slack everyday and play ball during every recess... i missed those days when i'm with them... at least i'll feel happy... haiz..on the way home messaged tabs again... din know y i even did tat.. its like i already knew she wuldnt reply, but yet i still did it... haiz.. this was prob hw nicholas felt when she refused to reply him tat time... if only it din start.. haiz... haiz gonna start on my project liao.. shld prob juz be a guai kia at hme and bad boi in sch.. no one would notice anyway..no one would notice the insignificant boi ken.....

Day One of Everything.....

2004-08-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

yo yo !!! haha juz came back from school.... super tired... but first... Yes !!! i finally have the sb club key ! haha.. so happy.. haha... anyway .. nuthing happen much in class today.. haha managed to talk to flo.. dun know y.. but everytime i tink abt me and tabs.. i juz feel i'm juz nt gd enugh for her.. like wat i said to flo... she's like very sporty, very studious, very guai~... and i'm lik... the total opposite... how can we match up ? den ltr after school, went to the club hse to slack ard... saw tabitha alone.. so i approached her to talk cock ... haha when i asked her abt the earring... she said it was nice.. haha !!! i'm so happy... but she could prob be entertaining me only haha...anyway.. later mei bao and erica pon their cca's to plat bbal with me and wilson.. haha.. was kinda fun.. especially when cheng jin came over.. haha..but i got injured half way... haiz... my knee is getting from bad to worse liao... tink i have to do sumthing abt it quick... anyway after the game.. went to potong pasir to eat tao hui... taught erica abit of accounts also... on the way home thouh.. i tot abt tabs again.. and i'm thinking of getting her a ointment for her muscles.. as she suffered a muscle strain... but wat if she rejects it ? haiz y do i keep torturing myself when i know its nt going to happen ? haiz.. anwyay din see sabbie for the whole day.... wonder y she din look for me today... but she's prob nt concern with me also lah... when there's bryan whu needs ken rite ? haha ok going to slp liao... super tired.. tink i'l get the ointment tmr morning and find a way to pass it to her... btw.. saw her online... but as usal she nvr replys... y do i keep hurting myself....haiz...

It all end like this... with a full stop.

2004-08-03T00:00:00.000+08:00

yoz.. feeling much betta nw... kinda stop thinking too much liao hehe....anyway juz went to pierce my ear !!! haha was kinda ok at first.. but the pain came bit later, but hey.. its me.. so i kinda got over it.. nuthing's to hard for me to get over haha...anyway... nuthing much happen today.. but i felt kinda depressed in school cause qiu ping and her click refuses to tok to me and i think its because thy feel tat i pang seh thm or sumthing. y is it tat i always end up in such situations ? haiz.. den went out with doron and sabbie and mei bao after school... walked ard for a while... sabbie seemed a bit sianz abt the fact that her sis is always being the more popular with guys den her, especially when bryan likes her sis and she likes bryan !! haha kinda tink tat sabbie's betta.. prob cause i know her betta..so dun feel sad sabbie !! haha... anywayate billy bomber's for dinner.. was super ex !!!! if i had known i wouldnt hv gone to the place to eat. no doubt the food was gd.. but the food is still very ex !!! argh !!! haha guess i'm gona hv to starve for a while haha... on the way back i messaged tabs... as expected she din reply. This time i told myself enugh was enugh... i din wan to keep draging this thing on and on.. so i told myself let god play his part. if me and tabs could or will be able to proceed on more den frens, den she'll reply me... its kinda unfair that this has to happen cause she doesnt know abt the pact tt i made with god.. but i let fate do its part as well.. and as i expected all along... she din replied for abt half an hour... so i send her another message to tell her abt tmr's concert.. den she replied.. but so wat ? if it wasnt abt the concert tix she still uldnt hv replied.. guess i'll juz follow god's will haha... heard frm yi hao tat he dun wan to chase erica anymore.. he explains briefly tat there's a communication breakdn btween both of them... i tink he's juz being crappy.. he rather give up a chio gal like erica den go after a ok looking BIG size girl called avril... wat the hell is he thinking ?!! but anyway tats like o yi hao.. bet he'll tell me nxt week or so wat he shld do to chio erica haha.... bastard.. haha... kidding... haiz.. guess its time to let go.. tabitha and i... the realtionship tat i always dreamt of, my love for her....will juz turn out like this sentence, ending with a full stop.

Too Serious Too Soon- Gareth Gates

I wonder where you are...
I wonder what you're thinking about tonight..
i wonder..

Maybe you're alone..
maybe you're crying just like me...
i wonder...

i don know why i lost your touch..
baby...wanted to be love too much....

Too serious too soon..
i wanted you to love me,
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before..

Too serious too soon,
i wanted you to love me...
Its been a rainy afternoon,
now i'm staring at the moon.. thinking....
We got too serious too soon...

I told you everyday,
i told you every nigh in every way..
that i love you...
Maybe you got scared..
Maybe i've got nothing left to say..
but i love you..

so baby now my life's a mess...
cause i.. couldnt love you any less..

Too serious too soon..
i wanted you to love me..
i wanted to be there for you like no one else before..

too serious too soon...
i wanted you to love me..
its been a rainy afternoon..
now i'm staring at the moon.. thinking...
too serious...
too soon.......

its not right,
its not fair,
its in you...
baby cuts like a knife...
what if you.. were the love of my life ?......

Too serious too soon,
i wanted you to love me..
i wanted to be there for you like no one else before..

too serious too soon...
i wanted you to love me...
we got too.... too serious too soon....
i wanted to be there for you like no one else before..
too serious too soon...
i wanted you to love me...

Its been a rainy afternoon... and i'm staring at the moon.. thinking..
we got too serious too soon....

Can't Help Crying....

2004-08-01T21:08:00.000+08:00

hey... just realised you're my onli fren left tat i could confide into... today's a superb day... nearly drowned, gt caught in the rain... and now she's avoiding me... life is very interesting rite ? dun know hw i shld feel, dun know wah i shld do.. was online with tabs juz nw... for the first time in my life.. i felt totally hopeless.... she wouldnt even reply my msn messages... wat is wrong with me ? Am i too irritating ? have i yet become another nicholas ? why is it that every one in the world treat me like trash and throw me ard ? is it because i'm to friendly ? is it because i never seem serious ? sometimes i fill like juz dying away.. its prob betta dis way.. no one wuld really care anyway...i'm nt crying nw.. but my heart feels like a a knife has been plunged in and out every min and sec of this disgusting life... doesnt anyone in the world reali care and wish for me ? all my life i keep telling myself even though people do not always do you favours, u shld still do them favours because this is hw it shld be... when people feel dwn they look for me to tok to ... but wat abt me? am i nt human ? whu do i look for when i feel dwn ? i hv so many sisters, but do they even care for me when i need it ? blog.. you're the only person i have with me nw.. dun leave me.... pls dun....

Day of the Invisible Man...

2004-08-01T19:56:00.000+08:00

yo... this is the second time i'm blogging here because my other blog is in a terrible mess and i really need to write out how i feel so yah haha... Just came back from sentosa this afternoon. Feeling kinda shag right now haha... but anyway let's just start from yesterday's events...

YESTERDAY...
went over to ben's hse in bukit gombak. He's new hse is nice, but kinda small. As soon as i got there we played mahjong. haha as usual right... then we played till 7 in the evening b4 we had dinner. Thru out the mahjong game, my mood was very good. when ever Yu ke or Jason or Tacy said sumthing abt me, i'll just feel super low. I dunno y myself, but i think its probably because of the recent events happening in the week. After that, we took a cab from bukit gombak to sentosa. When we finally arrived, most of Cheryl( birthday girl )'s friends had left, and we celebrated for her alone. Felt kinda of bad as Cheryl had to accomodate us for her birthday. Later, we went crazy and started smashing each other's face with the leftover cake. Haha.. it was kinda fun, but the cake was very oily... Then later, the guys wanted me to go back to bukit gombak with them to play mahjong, but i refused, and we nearly had a quarrel. The reasons i had were simple: I promised Xue Yun i'll stay to keep Cheryl company, i don't want to play mahjong anymore for the rest of the week, and i just wanted to relax and forget abt all my troubles tat i have . In the end, the guys left without me. During the night, we were telling ach other ghost stories ( ok, there are 4 ppl in the tent: Me, cheryl, Xue Yun, and her bf Andy, My sec sch class mate ), and telling jokes, but when we ran out of things to do, we started singing sad songs. I nearly cried cause i just felt very sad. i kept thinking about whether i should continue going after Tabs, but the more thoughts i had, the worse i felt. I know i shouldn't even have the right to say i'm very sad, beacuse after all, there hasn't and had nvr been anything between me and Tabs. But i don't know why i feel that way too.. but in the end, i fell asleep...(cont next entry)

invisible Man- 98 Degrees

You can hardly wait to tell all your friends,
how his kisses taste sweet like wine..
and how he always makes your heart skip a beat,
everytime he walks by...

And if you're feeling down, he'll pick you up,
he'll hold you close when you're making love..
He's everything you've been dreaming of.. oh baby....

I wish you'll look that way,
Your beautiful eyes will look deep into mine..
telling me more then any words could say..
But you don't even know i'm alive....
Baby, to you, all i am...

is the Invisible Man....

2004-07-30T12:54:00.000+08:00